BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN

BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

FACTS ABOUT LIFE ON TV

FACTS ABOUT LIFE ON TV50 Things you would never know if it weren't for TV!
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear, preferably carrying candles which will be blown out by the slightest draft. 2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. 4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 6. Once applied, lipstick and any other make-up will never rub off - even while scuba diving and sleeping. 7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place and leads to any location in the building, including the safe. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. 8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. English with a German accent will do, provided you are blonde. 10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 11. People never finish their drinks. 12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds afterwards. This generally leads to a sex scene.13. The chief of police is always wrong. 14. When paying for a taxi, just grab a note from your pocket and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm. 16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. 19. Any American movie will contain a car chase, unless it was made by Walt Disney. Cars and trucks that crash will always burst into flames after they have come to a standstill and the hero is running away from it at 5 to 10 meters distance. 20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets, provided he is the main character. Unimportant bad guys are killed instantaneously with one bullet or punch. Important bad guys nearly kill the hero savagely before they are killed.21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. 23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, were well-fed, wore clean clothes and make-up. 24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. 25. All single women have a cat. 26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Similarly, when driving a curvy road, the slightest movement of the steering wheel will do the job.28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. 29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. 30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?" 31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. 32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. If two men attack at the same time, the one behind you will firmly hold you up, so you can free your legs to kick the one coming from the front. If two men simultaneously attack from left and right, just a step backwards is sufficient to have them knock each other out.33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, one stands behind them and talk to their back. 34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. 36. Police departments give their officers undergo personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 37. Action heroes never eat and drink when chased for weeks, do not go to the toilet or need more than 5 minutes of sleep per day.38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste. 39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. 40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a heavy thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. 41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one. 42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 43. There are three types of criminals: megalomaniacs, Italian mafiosi and brain-dead muscle packs.44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played with moving the fingers randomly. 45. All bombs are camouflaged using electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate. They are always disarmed by clipping one of two wires when the clock displays 3 seconds or less.46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, cars need not be locked, nor keys taken out. If keys ere taken out of the ignitiuon, they should be left on top of the sunshade.47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, they should be thrown away. You can always find a new one which is loaded. 48. The weather always indicates what will happen next: rain will bring sadness (unless the film is called 'Singing in the rain'), thunder will bring fear and accidents.49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and continues the case in his own time. 50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL

THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL
Who says religion and science aren't compatible??? The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.

36 YEARS OF SILENCE

36 YEARS OF SILENCE
An aspiring Monk wanted to find a Guru. He went to a monastery and his preceptor told him: "You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years time."After practicing for 12 long years silent meditation etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question. He said: "The bed is too hard." He kept going for another 12 years of hard silent meditation and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good." Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit." His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

WORSE THAN A CLOWN

WORSE THAN A CLOWN
There was a young monk in China who was a very serious practitioner of the Dharma. Once, this monk came across something he did not understand, so he went to ask the master. When the master heard the question, he kept laughing. The master then stood up and walked away, still laughing. The young monk was very disturbed by the master's reaction. For the next 3 days, he could not eat, sleep nor think properly. At the end of 3 days, he went back to the master and told the master how disturbed he had felt. When the master heard this, he said, "Monk, do you know what your problem is? Your problem is that YOU ARE WORSE THAN A CLOWN!" The monk was shocked to hear that, "Venerable Sir, how can you say such a thing?! How can I be worse than a clown?" The master explained, "A clown enjoys seeing people laugh. You? You feel disturbed because another person laughed. Tell me, are u not worse than a clown?" When the monk heard this, he began to laugh. He was enlightened.

AT LEAST AS HARD AS YOUR BAD HABIT

AT LEAST AS HARD AS YOUR BAD HABIT
I was driving Suzuki Roshi. My friend in the backseat, with cigarettes in his shirt pocket, asked about Zen. "Zen is hard," Roshi said. "It is at least as hard as quitting smoking."

A SIMPLE QUESTION

A SIMPLE QUESTION
Once there was a monk who was an expert on the Diamond Sutra, and as books were very valuable in his day, he carried the only copy in his part of the world on his back. He was widely sought after for his readings and insight into the Diamond Sutra, and very successful at propounding its profundities to not only monks and masters but to the lay people as well. Thus the people of that region came to know of the Diamond Sutra, and as the monk was traveling on a mountain road, he came upon an old woman selling tea and cakes. The hungry monk would have loved to refresh himself, but alas, he had no money. He told the old woman, "I have upon my back a treasure beyond knowing -- the Diamond Sutra. If you will give me some tea and cakes, I will tell you of this great treasure of knowledge." The old woman knew something of the Diamond Sutra herself, and proposed her own bargain. She said, "Oh learned monk, if you will answer a simple question, I will give you tea and cakes." To this the monk readily agreed. The woman then said, "When you eat these cakes, are you eating with the mind of the past, the mind of the present or the mind of the future?" No answer occurred to the monk, so he took the pack from his back and got out the text of the Diamond Sutra, hoping he could find the answer. As he studied and pondered, the day grew late and the old woman packed up her things to go home for the day. "You are a foolish monk indeed," said the old woman as she left the hungry monk in his quandary. "You eat the tea and cakes with your mouth."

Cigars For The Judge

Cigars For The Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sum of money was talking to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It is in the judge's hand now," said the lawyer." The defendant said, "Would it help if I send a box of cigars to the judge." "Oh, no! This judge is a sticker or ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He may even hold you in contempt of the court. In fact you should not even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It works."The lawyer said, "I am sure we would have lost the case if you had sent them.""But I did.""What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously."Yes. That is how we won the case.""I don't understand.""It is easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff business card."

Too short for me

Too short for me
In the Spring fair, a 4-year-old child who got lost was crying. A security guard came to console him and said: "If you don't want to get lost, you should have gripped your mother's dress". The boy cried sniffingly: "But my mother's skirt was too short for me to grip".

Elavator

Elavator
A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed. The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up.They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out... The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

First-time father

First-time father
Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father."This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for eight to 10 pounds!"

Directions

Directions
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many >years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill >in the gap of those years by telling about their >lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."Great. Where do you live?""Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in.""Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?""Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

A careless answer

A careless answer
Our new assistant, Christy 16, was in her first office job. Co-workers were giving her basic instruction as the boss stepped out of his office and the telephone rang. Christy answered professionally, but then birst out with: "He's in the toilet now."
"Oh, no," one employee whispered to her, "Say he's with a customer."
"He is in the toilet with a custmer," Christy told the caller.

A naughty boy

A naughty boy
One day, an old gentlement was walking along a street. He saw a little boy near the door of a house. The boy was standing at the door and trying to reach the door-bell which was too high for him. The old gentlement was a kind-hearted man so he stopped to help the boy. "I will ring the bell for you," he said and pulled the bell so hard that its ringing could be heard all over the house. The little boy looked up at him and said laughing: "Now we must run away. Come on."
Before the old gentlement knew what was happening the naughty boy had disappeared round the corner of the street. The old man had to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell.
Sender: Pham Thuy Linh

I want to be possible

I want to be possible
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

You don't know

You don't know
Teacher:Alex! If you had a five pound note and you asked your granny for another one,what would you have?Alex: Five pounds.Teacher:You don`t know your arithmetic.Alex: And you don't know my granny.....

Satan & his brother-in-law

Satan & his brother-in-law
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew. "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered. The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do." Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?" "Nope." "Why not?" The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years, and this is still better than going home!"

50/50 Marriage

50/50 Marriage
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefuly divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and every thing has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Lawyer's heart

Lawyer's heart
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, we have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle_aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. which do you want?"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. " It was easy" said the patient, " I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

"You're going to die"

"You're going to die"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?""You're going to die," she replied.

Next time

Next time
In the summer I worked for a family restarant. I usually finished at 2 a.m, and my parents expected me home immediately after. But one night, my friends pick me up after work to go to a party. I lost track of the time until, to my dismay, I saw it was 5:45 a.m. I rushed home, and as tiptoed to my besroom, I heard my mother called out, "What are you going up so early?"
"Couldn't sleep," I replied. "Thought I'd go for a run."
I went for a run, stayed up all day, went to work all night and finally got home. On my bedroom door was a note from Mom: "Carole, next time remember to mess the blankets on your bed."

Little Johnny Boy

Little Johnny Boy
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, standup!". After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

Captain

Captain
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy.Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.

Too Many Confessions of Adultry

Too Many Confessions of AdultryAn old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" So the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say then "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a weak later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town, when people came into the confessional, they kept talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest took an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you are laughing about, your WIFE fell three times this weak."

Adultary

Adultary
A man tells his mistress that anything she wants, he could do it except shaving his beard. For he already told his wife that his beard is an indication of his loyalty to her. One day his girlfriend becomes suspicious of him being a married man. She tells him that she would not love him unless he shaves his beard. The man begs and begs without any success and finally yields to his girlfriend and has his beard shaved. That very night, he goes home feeling guilty of cheating his loyal wife and scared of having to confess his sin. He sneaks to the bed, making no noices and lying beside his wife. The wife reaches out for his face and whispers: "Darling, not today, the beardy-bustard will come home in any moment."

Being stupid twice

Being stupid twice
Hung and Lan were watching a movie, in which a team of police officer were chasing after a bank robber to the edge of a very steep cliff. Hung bet on the robber not jumping off the cliff while Lan insisted the guy would. Then, bang, bang, the robber took off and was eventually rescued and carried to the hospital in a serious condition. Hung paid Lan and said:'I have a confession to make.''What's that?' Lan wondered.' I already watched the movie before.''Why did you still bet on him not jumping off?''Because I did not think he was stupid enough to hurt himself twice.'

They're gone

They're gone
St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from New York City showed up. Never having seem anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, St. Peter returned breathless and said, "They're gone!"."What?" said the God. "All of them are gone?"."No!" replied St. Peter "I'm talking about the Pearly Gates!"

What does your Dad do?

What does your Dad do?
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day."My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy."Tommy," replied the second."My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer.""Honest?" asked Billy."No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Really Drunk

Really Drunk
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

A deaf man

A deaf man
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A Love Story

A Love Story
At a cocktail party, the hostess overheard the conversation of a handsome gentleman and his friend. "Oh, I really love her. I adore her," said the handsome gentleman. "I would love her too, if she were mine." agreed his friend. "I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color." "You're very lucky," said his friend. "And do you know what I like the best?" asked the gentleman. "I love the way she kisses my ear." "Sir," the hostess said, "I couldn't help listening to your lovely words. In this day of divorce, I respect a man who loves his wife so much!" "My wife?!" said the gentleman, very surprised. "I was talking about my champion racehorse!

"ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE"

"ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE"
This couple has only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife."I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have abeer."The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but atthe bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?""You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc."But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, thedirty words and all that...""You want dirty words, cutie pie?...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

Real 911 calls

Real 911 calls
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Run

Run
I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Technical support

Technical support
I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.
Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.
Anyway, the following call came in:
Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work." Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?" Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system." Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?" Customer: "Yes, there is." Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?" Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know." Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day." Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"
Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord." Tech Support: "One extra cord?" Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one." At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.
Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?" Customer: "On the back of the computer?" Tech Support: "Yes, sir." Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..." I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.
Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?" Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

Their sons

Their sons
These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Rolls Royce Loan

Rolls Royce Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

Zoo Job

Zoo Job
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Radio conversation

Radio conversation
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL

ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

Smart student

Smart student
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look."Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering thinker

Recovering thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

Medical problem

Medical problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Catch a rabbit

Catch a rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Cup holder

Cup holder
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I know this lawyers

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In The World

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Duck hunting

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded."Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"