Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Not sufficient

A man about to be drafted complained to the draft doctor about terrible lambago he was supposed to have and wich, he alleged, prevented his service in the Army. To support his complaint, he sent the doctor an envelop with 200 dolars inside. Then he went to the final examination, sure of exemption. But, to his great surprise, the doctor found him quite fit for service. "But, doctor", the man protested indignantly, "I've got lumbago!", "Yes", agreed the doctor, "but not enough".

Return match

The boxer returned to his dressing-room looking pretty bad. He felt and looked all to pieces. He opened his eyes when the promoter approached.
"Hard luck, Jack", said the promoter as he looked down at the boxer, "but "'ve good news for you".
"Well, what's the good news?"
"I've been lucky enough to fix a return match for you."

The quiet Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with theburglar who had broken into his house the night before."You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant."No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the housewithout waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!!..

Area 51 Mix-up

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were
very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into
an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The
Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and
held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete
with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on
his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me,
but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was
last night!"

The Blonde & The K-9 Patrol Dispatch

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a
K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and
moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen,
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a
BLIND policeman!"

A Blonde's Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds."Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.""From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."No, from skipping."

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle."And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands."Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

Good Samaritans

Some guys find a man lying on the sidewalk. They assume that the old guy is drunk, so they decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the sidewalk, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.He tells them where he lives and when they arrive at his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one of the guys says to the woman who answers, "Here's your husband!"The man's wife says, "Well, where in the world is his wheelchair?"

Getting a Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off.""Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?""Fertilizer," the farmer replied."What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy."Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer."You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

A Rough Night

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except thathe had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?""I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

It's Cold!

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Space Mountain

A seven-year-old little girl was excited when she went to Disney World for the first time. She headed straight for Space Mountain. Her parents were worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, she rode it twice. The next year the family returned to Magic Kingdom, and the little girl, now eight, again raced to Space Mountain.As they stood in line, though, the little girl was soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed."Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."Her dad asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.She replied, "This year I can read better!"

Satisfying girlfriend

A young man had a new girl friend, whom he wanted to impress, so he invited her to go to a world famous restaurant with him one evening. They dined wonderfully and had numerous drinks; they danced until midnight, and there was a polished musical entertainment. The girl enjoyed the entire evening, and was suitably impressed by everything she saw, including several film stars. Then the waiter brought the bill at the end of the evening, and when the young man saw how much he had to pay, he was so socked by the total that he went as white as a sheet.
The helpful waiter, who was watching his face, thought he might be going to faint, so he quickly poured out a glass of ice-cold water and emptied it over the young man’s head . Then he took the bill back and added to it: “Iced water: 50p”.

After the Office Party

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?""Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn."You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face.""He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him.""You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you.""Well, screw him!" yelled Colin."I did. You're back at work on Monday."

KISS-a-me

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as theydrove into the town.Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Good advice

Soldiers are trained to jump from areoplanes. They have parachutes that open in the air so that they can fall safely to the ground.
A sergeant was once instructing his soldiers. One of them ask him: "What must I do if the parachute does not open when I jump out?"
"Oh, that's all right. You just bring it back and you'' get another one," said the sergeant.

Liars

A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and askd leave to go home because his wife was ill.
"I don't like to refuse, John," said the CO, "but as a matter of fact, I've just had a letter from your wife saying she was allright now and, therefore, leave is not necessary".
The man saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped, turned and remarked: "Colonel, there are two whopping liars in this regiment, and I'm one of them. I'm not married".

Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher'sprize bull was missing from the section throughwhich the railroad passed. The rancher only wantedto be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justiceof the peace in the back room of the general store.The attorney for the railroad immediately corneredthe rancher and tried to get him to settle out ofcourt. The lawyer did his best selling job, andfinally the rancher agreed to take half of what hewas asking.After the rancher had signed the release and tookthe check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloatinga little over his success, telling the rancher, "Youknow, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put oneover on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in thecaboose when the train went through your ranch thatmorning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.I bluffed you!"The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, youngfeller, I was a little worried about winning that casemyself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Serving the public

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the
all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?
I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer
Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just beforetakeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to thetwo physicians.The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and wassettling in when the physician in the window seat said," I thinkI'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney'sshoe and spat in it.When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "Thatlooks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he wasgone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat init. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed theflight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feetinto his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between ourprofessions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting inshoes and pissing in cokes?"

RoboTeacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.

"ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE"

This couple has only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife."I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have abeer."The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but atthe bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?""You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc."But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, thedirty words and all that...""You want dirty words, cutie pie?...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

Tell us your funny stories!!!

I teach high school, but a good friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher. One day a little boy tattled on another, telling my friend the other student said the "B" word. Wondering exactly which "B" word, she called the boy over and asked him to repeat what he had said. He did not want to repeat it for the teacher, but after some prodding he finally admitted to saying "Bagina". Ben, Houston, Texas
I was a middle school teacher before retirement. One day I had students at the board working problems. One of the young ladies was an exceptional student who happened to be a blonde. For some reason I told her that she was using a piece of left handed chalk. Without turning around or saying anything she put the chalk in the tray, picked up another piece of chalk, and continued with her problem.
David Gurley
I work as a secretary at an elementary school. During the second week of school a student in Mrs. Maemura's first grade class was sent to the office after having a bathroom accident. Number 2. I bent down and softly asked her if she had diarrhea. She looked up at me and said "No. I have Mrs. Maemura."
At Math time, I told the kids that we were going to talk about Even and Odd. One boy yelled out- "I know that story. It's in the Bible! " After I quit laughing, I said- "I think you mean Adam and Eve. "Chris Minch ~ Stuart, FL
As an introduction to a new book, I was introducing my 6th graders to new vocabulary words. I read a list of new words that the students would add to their list, and after I said, "Number 6. Rhododendron" one boy started asking his table mates where "Dendron" was. The kids could not understand what he was asking so he asked me "where the road to Dendron was". After collecting myself, I told him that rhododendron was one word. I still think that he is looking for Dendron. April Bynum ~Jonesboro, AR
Many years ago when I was a teen, I was assisting the Sunday school teacher in class. One Sunday, as we approached the Lenten season , the teacher asked the group of 1st graders if any one of them knew what Lent was. One of the little girls holding her hand high and proud stated that she knew what Lent was. The little girl explained that "Lent" was the little things that her mom picked off the clothes when they came out of the dryer. Maine
I was a teacher in a tutoring center and at the end of every session, we would ask the students quiz questions for extra tokens. I asked, "What are the three primary colors?". One of my students said, " I know- black, white, and Mexican!!" I laughed so hard, I gave him 2 tokens.Chrystal Hunt, North Port, FL
One teacher I had for Biology had a special way to remember Kingdom Pylum Class Order Family Genus Species. Her way we found out was King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti. But, she was a bit flustered that day and instead of saying King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti, she said King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Sex.Claire A. ~ CA
I was handing out directions on how to make something. I can not even remember now what it was. One little boy turned to the kid next to him and he said--- "I love it when Mrs. Towell hands out erections."Jennifer Towell- Stuart, FL
A kindergarten student at my school was sent to the office for saying a rather naughty word in the cafeteria. I talked to him about using other words to say when he was angry. We practiced "shucks", "darn", "rats", etc. I told him my favorite word was "dag nab it!". He said he liked that one, we high-fived each other and I went off feeling like I helped him. I later walked back in the office to find him still sitting there. He jumped off his stool, ran up to me and yelled "DAMN RABBITS!!" while grinning ear to ear!Mary Slavin ~ Stuart, FL
I was wearing a long, colorful skirt made out of that broomstick material when I was trying to explain the word "brag" to my First Graders. I was pretending to brag about being the fastest runner in the whole class. I was going on and on when a little boy raised his hand and said, "You can't run fast wearing that CURTAIN!"Chris Minch ~Stuart, FL
My 5th graders were doing their warm-ups when one came up to ask a question about something he didn't understand. He read it out loud to me. "According to the picture, how much would the orgasms be magnified." I am soo proud of myself...without busting, I politely corrected his pronunciation. "That word is organism Dear."Michelle Lee ~ League City, TX
Years ago, when I first started teaching, I had a little girl in my first grade class whose mother was going to have a baby. The baby was due in February, so around the fifth of the month I started asking Stephanie if her Mother had had the baby. I guess I asked her too many times because one day she came in and said, "My Mother had the baby." I asked her what she had and Stephanie answered, "They don't know yet, it's too small." I asked her if her Mother really had had the baby, and she admitted she hadn't. I told her that I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that she could tell me when it arrived. A few days later, she did tell me, and it was a girl. I never "bugged" another student about something like that happening in his/her family again.Daisy Sedalnick ~ Denver, Colorado
The science lesson was moving along with great interest as we discussed the habits of nocturnal animals. Now the question was asked, "What do you call animals that are active and feed during the day? "My fourth grade, smiling boy replied with confidence in his voice---"I know--ETERNAL!"Mary Dungan ~ Marianna,Fl
I was helping a little girl practice her handwriting in first grade and she was staring at me intently. Thinking she was paying close attention I continued. She then politely said " I don't want to be mean but do you know you have hair on your lip?" I then said " Is it black?' She said " no" so I told her not to worry about it!!!!"Maureen Besst ~ Orlando , FL
When we were discussing who spoke English and who spoke Spanish Kristopher piped up and said he just talks regular.Maureen Besst ~ Orlando, FL
I teach preschool, 2 year olds. When I was Pregnant with my 3rd child, I saw no reason to tell my class because they were so young. As the year was coming to an end, I grew quite large. One of my little darlings came up to me and said," Miss Ilene, your belly is getting very fat!" I asked this little boy if he'd like to know why, and he said yes. I told him I had a baby in my tummy. He walked away, saying nothing. The next day, this happy, never cry child pitched a fit when his mother tried to leave. She pulled him aside and they talked for a few minutes, and the little boy calmed down, and the mom was grinning from ear to ear. I asked what happened and she said, "Adam thought you might eat him, you've already eaten a baby."I.Kendig ~ GA
A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
My friend Rhonda was telling me how rushed she was that morning getting her three children off to school. One of them had a field trip, but Rhonda couldn't find the permission slip anywhere. She finally wrote a note to the teacher explaining she had lost the form but it was okay for her child to go on the trip. Later Rhonda got a call from the teacher saying the note she had sent was scribbled on the back of the "lost" permission slip.Carol NewcombeReader's Digest
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."Gail Beck ~ Augusta, MEA few blocks away from our school, on our way to a pumpkin farm last Fall, one of my first graders was looking out the window of the bus,
while she was excitedly pointing and naming all the places she recognized; - "that's where my grandma works," pointing to a supermarket warehouse.
"My mom works at the bank", and that her auntie also worked somewhere. All of the sudden she stops, turns, and says to me, "How about you Mrs.
Alvarez? Where do you work?" I thought that was a classic.
AZAN60@aol.com
First Grade True StoryOne day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
I was showing a video regarding the Revolutionary War to my "slower" class of seventh graders. Before turning on the video, I told them that the video would show actors portraying different historical people such as John Adams or Thomas Jefferson. I even told them that there would be a sign which would come up during the film which would remind everybody that these actors were saying the actual words of the historical characters that they were portraying. (I could see, however, that a few of the boys were not paying attention to what I was saying.) I turned on the video, waited for and pointed out the sign I had mentioned, and then watched the students as they watched the video. An actor portraying George Washington appeared. "Hey," I heard one boy say as he nudged his nearby friend, "is that George Washington?" His friend regarded him with utter contempt. "Stupid!" he whispered back, "This video's in color. They didn't have color videotape back then. If it was George Washington, it would be in black and white!"FKM321@aol.comEvery school year with first, second, and third graders I do an activity I call "The United Shades of America." We match our skin color to "people color" paints and paint portraits and walls, make hand-print murals, and celebrate who we are and how we look. The colors are called everything from cinnamon, peach, and mahogany, to toast. When one third-grader's skin color matched the "wheat" color, he became so excited, he hollered, "I'm finally Student of the Wheat."JoMarie PriviteraBuffalo, New York
While discussing the vocabulary for our new story last week, I asked the class what they knew about a harbor. One child responded, "It's like a boat parking lot with a dock."Slynnk27@cs.comWe were doing a science lesson on how plants grow. The children all got a chance to plant their own seeds. As the teacher I planted a few
extra seeds for the children whose plants do not sprout. After a few weeks of watching them I secretly exchanged a few. The next day one
of my students said "Look teacher, it's a miracle, my plant is growing". I said "Yes, seeds sprouting is very exciting". He said," No teacher,
that's not the miracle, I ATE the SEED and it is growing anyway!"
Debbie CapuanoMy first grade class and I were on a field trip. We were walking along a board walk that stretched over a wetlands area. Along the board walk were
little plaques with donors names engraved on them. I heard one boy ask another, "What do you think all these names mean?". The other boy responded,
"They must be the names of people who fell off and died!".
Beth Weatherstone ~ Vero Beach, FL
"Real teachers keep a straight face when a parent tells them their child did not complete the homework because their computer does not have Roman
numerals on it." (True story!)I was sitting, at the end of the day, waiting for my kindergarten class to get ready so that I could read them a story before we left. One child was playing
with a book, waving it in other children's faces. I told her to stop and she did... for 2 minutes. Then she started again. I said, "Maybe you shouldn't go on
the trip." Without missing a beat she answered (very sweetly) "Maybe I should."
Nadine Elhathat ~ Brooklyn, NY
The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
Gail Beck ~ Augusta, MaineA neighbor is a primary school principal. They started school on Thursday. Friday morning a
little, bitty girl strolls into the main office. "I don't know where to go or who my teacher is," she announces.
The principal tells her everything will be okay, and asks what grade Little Miss Muffet is in.
"First," the mite replies confidently. "And do you know your name, darling?" "Oh yes, and my telephone too."
Her eyes start to tear up. The principal reassures her they have a powerful computer which will reveal all. They type in the child's
name. "Honey, you are in Kindergarten, not First." "Oh no. I already came yesterday."
I lovvvvve this accelerated program, don't you?
Gail Beck ~ Augusta, MEI was walking down the hall with a student when she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her "No",
and I asked why she wanted to know. She said, "Because I want you to go on a date with my Dad". The funny part of all this is that her
parents are married and her Mom was a volunteer at the school and a friend of mine!
Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FLWhile I was doing my student teaching, my supervising teacher was talking to the class about ticks and how you should pour alcohol on it in order to
remove the tick. One of the children anxiously raised his hand and said," I know why you put alcohol on the tick--to make it drunk!"
KACDDH@aol.com
It was getting to be "sweater weather" and we had a bad case of static cling in the room. After our morning carpet time, we found a pair of ladies thong panties on the carpet! I guess they were stuck in one of the kids' sleeves.Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL
I was taking my kindergarten class to the art room one day. After walking in the door, one of the little boys said, "It smells like marker breath in here!"Vicki Wells ~Stuart, FL
After a recent trip to Washington, D.C., I was showing my kindergarteners pictures of the different monuments and buildings. I held up a picture and said, "This is the Capitol building." A little boy, Jeremy, asked, "Where is the Lower Case building?" Chris Gulotta ~Stuart, FL
It was Clown Day at school and I was wearing a pair of large, baggy pants with a hula hoop at the waist. One boy peeked in my pants and said, "You look like you could have a party in those pants."Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FL
My husband and I got a very nice job offer to take over a ranch for a couple who were wanting to retire. The problem was that we live in North Dakota and the ranch is in Wisconsin. I was discussing it with my 6 and 8 year old daughters and asked what their feelings were on the issue. My six year old piped up and said, "Mom, we can't do that! Think how long it would take us to get to school!"Daran Sagvold ~ North Dakota
On the first day of class I always conduct an "icebreaker" activity. The students are to stand, introduce themselves, and tell us something most people don't know about them. One student responded: "My name is Chris and I hate people that suck up to the teacher......by the way, Western Civ. is my favorite class."Bill McClelland ~ Pittsburgh, PA
I was talking to one of my kindergarteners while walking to lunch. She was telling me that her aunt, who was also her "fairy godmother", was taking her to Disney World.Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FLI began teaching jive in my Grade 6 class and some of the boys were a little reluctant to hold hands, get close to the girls,etc. I wanted to make the point that there are only a few places where people (especially boys) can learn how to dance, like school, their mom, or a friend. I gave a short talk and asked the boys, "Where can you learn to dance?" One of my students quickly replied, "A gay bar?"Jay KennardI was teaching, or so I thought, some French culture to a group of 8th graders a few years ago, and we were discussing the martyred Joan of Arc. Being a (very bad) punster, I referred to Joan as the "original French fry." A student shyly raised his hand and asked, "I thought she was swallowed by a whale." Another student solved the concern by stating, "No, that was Jonah!" Lynne Lucas ~Jacksonville, FL
"Special Occasions" (Author Unknown)This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!
I was helping a four-year old straggler meet up with the group as they waited for us inside the children's museum. I had not realized that his pants were a bit big for him. I knew he loved to run and that he understood what it was to pace. "Pace with me," I coaxed. He said he couldn't and he sounded sincere. I still kept up an animated walk. "Pace me," I smiled. I looked down to see his problem at the same time he looked up and said, "You're pacing my pants off!"Sharon Johnson ~ Indianapolis, IN
I was student teaching in the first grade. We were just introducing addition. One of the boys told me that he could add and he even knew how to do "attraction." I inquired about his knowledge. He said," Oh, you know! Like you've got 5 kids in the hall and 2 go into the bathroom. THAT'S attraction!Michelle Harper ~ Willis, TXThree years ago I started teaching Kindergarten. I had the perfect mix of kids. I soon discovered I would become a grandmother that February. I told my class a couple of weeks before the baby was born that I would be missing a couple of weeks to be with my daughter when her baby came. One of my students (a girl) jumped up from her chair and said, "Oh, you gonna wear your hair up and wear old lady clothes!" What was so funny was her expressions of movements she made. She put her hand up like her hair was on top of her head and then motioned to her clothes. I was 42 when my granddaughter was born. M121180@aol.com
I was doing a Character Counts lesson on cooperation. I asked my kindergarteners if anyone could tell me what cooperation means. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Someone in my family had a cooperation and died!".Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FL
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."Readers' Digest
I was trying to hook up a laser disc player and was having a heck of a time getting it connected to the TV and VCR. I asked the kids to sit still for a minute and give me a second to fiddle. When I asked them if they knew what fiddle meant, Kelsey stood up and said, "You know...she has to go to the bathroom."Chris Gulotta ~ Tallahassee, FLA four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here? The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there? Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think I'll hear Barney in there? Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.Taken from one of those forwarded emails...
I was asking one of my kindergarteners what their address was. She replied, "423 21 Jump Street". This was back in 1988!Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL
One morning, while we were doing our small group reading, my fifth graders kept on saying the word "he" for "we". This was quite unusual! Finally, it was Kaley's turn to read. She said "he" also. I corrected her and said it's "we" and she said "Okay, we, we, we!" The entire class was in an uproar because after she said the "we" three times everyone thought of the other we ("Wee!"). A few minutes later several children had to go to the bathroom. I guess it was because they were reminded to go! Sherry Jaramillo ~ Deltona, Florida.
My students had just come from a science class, where some of them tried eating sea weed. One of the students who didn't said, "I would never eat that." I told him that it is in many things he eats everyday. I said, "If the ingredients have kelp in them, then you are eating sea weed." He said, "Kelp? I thought that was those skirts the Scottish guys wear."Debbie Lafond ~Cumberland, RI
Little Johnny walked into his kindergarten room one morning wearing shoes that were at least 6 sizes too big. The teacher looked at him and asked "Johnny, who's shoes are you wearing?". Johnny smiled back and said proudly "my big brother's". The teacher, still puzzled asked, "Does your mother know you have your brother's shoes on?" Johnny replied " YES she does, she's the one who said I could wear them". The teacher is now really confused so she has to ask "Why did your mothertell you to wear your brother's shoes?" Johnny said with a grin, "because he buried MINE in the back yard!!"M. Diane Barber-Lacroix Ft. Pierce, FL
I teach 2nd grade boys in church, and came up with a way I thought would keep all the boys from being preoccupied with looking out the window. "You know," I would tella boy, "There might be a girl out there, and if she sees you staring she'll think you like her." It worked really well last year to get their attention back onto me, and I imagine a couple teachers I told picked it up. Well, this year it worked on a few boys, but then I saw one boy flapping his arm and making gross noises with his armpit. "If the girls see you doing that, they'll think you're trying to impress them," I said. He replied: "This won't impress them. They'll just think I smell."D.Fowler
Well, I am a student in 7th grade. In my science class, my classmates and I had to read a paragraph out of the science book. This one girl, Alicia, was reading, and instead on saying organism, she said orgasm. I tried so hard not to burst out laughing, and it worked until I got out of the classroom. As I was going to my next class, I started cracking up.Kelsea Rutledge
I was a teachers aid for a kindergarten class and the teacher was handing out "awards" for tasks the students could pass off. They had to know their address, phone number, and show her that they knew how to tie their shoe. As the teacher was going around the room asking the students if they knew these things one little girl came up to her and said "I know my Monroe, I know my Monroe!" Needless to say, she lived on Monroe street!Amanda Reynolds ~ Layton, Utah
On the first day of school my first graders were anxious to show me the things that they had brought to school in their backpacks. One little girl came up with a small memo book with a picture of a kitten on the front and told me "Mrs. Byers, I have 2 of these in my backpack!" I responded that it was very nice but, since we wouldn't be using them in school perhaps she could take it home and write in it or do some homework in it. With a huge smile, and as pleased as punch, she said, "It's a diarrhea! (diary!)" I could not stop laughing!
Terri Byers~ Columbus, Ohio
I worked in an Elementary School clinic for seven years. Needless to say, I have seen a lot of funny things in there. However, one day this sweet little girl came in. She had what appeared to be a cold in her right eye. Trying to rule out pink eye, I asked her if it was crusted over when she woke up that morning. She said, "Yes, I think the sleepy man put too much boogers in it!" Priceless huh?!Melissa Brady ~ Okeechobee, FL
My family was sitting down eating dinner, and our five year old seemed to be upset. She looked up at my husband and I and said "Mom Dad my teacher said a bad word at school today. I said "oh,no what did she say" She looked at my husband and I to see if she was going to get into trouble and said "Well, today we were learning about bugs, and she said that they were in-sex (insects)"Lydia Schuster ~ Fulton, MO
A friend of mine was teaching an art lesson to several first graders. She was trying to get them to remember the colors, and how to make other colors from the primary colors. A little boy walked up to her, held up his first finger and said sweetly "Red". The teacher said that that was very good. He then held up his third finger and sweetly said "Blue". She again replied that that was good. Then she asked him "What color do those two colors make?" He then raised his fist in the air, proudly extended his middle finger and shouted "PURPLE!!!!"......just as the principal walked into the room. It took the principal three glasses of water and several tissues in order to compose herself and resume her day. Leslie Marlowe
I passed out snack to a class of kindergartners. One young man looked up at me and told me that he wanted to share his cookie. (He had licked, smeared and slobbered it all over his face.) I told him no thank you, and explained that I had gained weight over the winter break and needed to be careful about eating snacks. He looked at me and I could tell his little mind was thinking. I started to feel bad and decided I WOULD choke down the cookie somehow! But then he said, "Teacher, its ok, really, I think you look the same fatness!"
A fifth grade class was in the media center for a dictionary/thesaurus lesson. As I went over the vocabulary words to be used in the assignment, two boys immediately jumped up and began strutting around when I said the word “haughty.” “That’s me!” each one proudly proclaimed. Seems they got “hottie” and “haughty” a little confused. Their classmates (and teachers) had a good chuckle over that.Teresa Kent True story - Kindergarten teacher comes to me in the office, and said a parent called her and said she's sure glad I was back form the illness and hoped there would be no more. Her daughter had come home after a day or two with the teacher replacement and told mom she had "prostitute" teacher while Miss Kern was away. Ronald Helmer ~ Saginaw Michigan
When I was in first Grade, my teacher was having a spelling contest....One of my friends was going against another girl. The word was T H I S. Being young and wanting to come in first with the right word, she spelled SHIT first. The whole class was stunned and we didn't understand. But our teacher laughed so hard she had to leave the room. And now 10 years later we still tease her about it.Cassandra Stevens ~ Dallas, TX
I was waiting for my 4 year old son's preschool class to be dismissed when the door to his classroom opened and out walked one of his teacher's right over to me. Laughing she told me that after their goodbye song she exclaimed "TGIF" and then asked the class if anyone knew what that meant. She said my son, waiving his arm in the air shouted " I do, PAYDAY!!" Dana McDonald ~ NewJersey
During a science lesson on warm blooded and cold blooded animals a little struggling third grade student started begging to tell me what he thought about a turtle. He said, " You KNOW that turtle's gotta be warm blooded cause he has that rubber stuff on his legs that we almost never got cut offone night. My uncle killed one and threw him in the bathtub and we couldn't hardly get that stuff off, so you KNOW it's gotta be warm in there!" I walked into the hall with my book in front of my face and laughed until I cried!Margaret Anne Ewing
I was teaching art to a class of second graders and trying to let them know that quilts are made out of fabric, or cloth, as they haven't really learned those words yet. I was wearing a red wool vest and a cotton shirt and used what I was wearing as an example. I said, "This is wool and it comes from a sheep. This is cotton and it comes from a garden." Later that day, the classroom teacher who was in the room while I taught her class art said that one student came up to her later in the day to ask her, "But where do they get red sheep?" Kim Brodie, Birmingham Alabama
Several years ago, a primary student in my school was sent to see the principal for misbehaving in the classroom. The principal was very upset to see this same young man in his office again (because he seemed to be there quite often). After talking sternly to the boy for a few minutes and reprimanding him, the principal gave the boy this warning, "The next time you come to my office... I guess I'm going to have to get out my paddle!" Without blinking an eye, the confused boy replied, "You have a boat?"Amy -- Kentucky
During P.E. class, one of my students said that she was part American Indian. I asked if she was part Seminole. She then stated "No, I'm a Gator!"Ron Woodard, Ocala, FL
This is my first year teaching. I've spent much of my time trying to get the students interested in the day's material. The best comment I've heard all year was from a student that had disregarded many of my previous classes. Michael exclaimed," Hey! This stuff is pretty easy, when you pay attention!". He's spent much more time listening and taking notes in class. Another light bulb turned on and burning brightly!Bill B. ~ Pensacola, FL
In our church, we have missionaries that travel around from place to place spreading the gospel. One day while driving to a doctor's appointment, I saw two of our local missionaries walking down the street. At that same instant my little sister exclaimed " Look! It's the dictionaries!"Rebecca Brand
I teach 2nd grade and have many funny stories, but this one tops them all. One day little girl in my cousin's first grade class went home and asked her mother what testicles were. Caught off guard, her mother sat down and gingerly began to explain, as best as she could, what they were. After the long spill, the little girl looked at her mother and said, "That is not what my teacher told me they were. She told me that you wear them on your eyes to help you see better!" Needless to say, it was spectacles (glasses) that were being talked about!! Talk about a pick-me-up!Joy Knop - Thomasville, GA We were at my in-laws one weekend and our 4 yr old who is now eight was in their bathroom looking at herself in the mirror, one of her favorite things to do. My father in law went in the bathroom and asked her what she was doing, she replied just looking. She then said " Papa can I ask you a question?" "yes" he said she says " did God make you and me both?" "Yes God made both of us" he replied. She then looked in the mirror and then back at her papa and in the mirror again, she did this a couple of times before finally saying "Boy he sure is doing a better job now." We all laughed for several minutes at the expense of my father in-law. We occasionally bring it up at family functions too. Jodie, Siloam Springs, ARMy aunt is a first grade teacher in Northern New York. One day she was explaining the different seasons to her class. Summer, Spring, Winter and Fall. My aunt opened the window to show her class the leaves that had fallen on the ground then asked if one of her students could tell her what season it was now. A little boy outfitted with camouflage raised his hand, she called on him. "What season is it?", she asked. Without missing a beat, "It's hunting season". He was right!Laura Stone- Northern, NY
One afternoon I was playing with my three year old daughter and two year old son. I would pretend to be asleep and then "wake up" when they poked me. At one point they poked me but I stayed "asleep". My son turned to my daughter and said, "Ah Oh, I think we need to change Mommy's batteries." Alicia Hamilton
I waited in the school yard for my kindergartener granddaughter to finish class each day. Two days a week my 3 year old granddaughter waited with me. We live in a multi-ethnic area. One day we were sitting with other parents and grandparents when a gentleman walked up in a white turban, white Neru dress and pants, and white mustache and beard. My 3 year old leaned in close and whispered to herself, "He's God." She sat very still and quiet until he came and sat nearby. Then I heard her say, "Oh, he's just a man."Diagramtz@aol.com
My mother has enjoyed sharing this story many times over. When I was 3 years old my family and I were in the car on our way to a relatives house and I voiced that had to go #2. We were no where near a restroom, so my mom told me to squeeze my cheeks and wait until we got there. When she looked back to see if was okay, there I was with my hands on my face "squeezing my cheeks"! Danielle Wright
I have 4 daughters ages 5 and under. We frequently are joined by my 5 year old nephew in our every day adventures as well. We all went to the Dr's office to have my 3 yr old tested for a UTI. The doc handed me a cup and said to take it home and have her pee in it for him (because she refused to at the office). And before I could agree, my nephew chimes in "But how is she going to fit in there?" Needless to say the doc had to collect himself before going to the next patient!!! Jessi Brown, WV
I was teaching a unit on Florida to my 4th graders prior to a field trip to St. Augustine, showing a book with pictures of the building of the railroad by Flagler. One of my students asked me: "were the streets black and white back then?" After recovering my jaw from the floor, I asked her to please tell me she was kidding. She wasn't.Ada Fennell
My sister is a kindergarten teacher. She came to me one day with a story from class that I will never forget! She was asking the class if anyone knew what the definition of the word “straight” means. The next thing she knew, a little boy raised his hand and proudly said, “Straight means without ice!” We laugh about it all the time!Melissa, in MI
Last year, I was team teaching Pre-K. One of our little boys opens the door of the bathroom during circle time and started yelling, "Teacher, teacher! There's pee in the garbage, there's pee in the garbage!" Trying to keep my momentum of circle time going, I proceeded to ignore him as did the other adult in the room. He would not accept being ignored so he continued yelling that there was pee in the garbage. I told him it was okay, just don't touch it, we would take care of it later. He insisted that we see it. Without any warning, he brought the garbage bucket out of the bathroom and reached into and said "Teacher no really, there's pee in the garbage!" He pulled out the alphabet letter “P” that fell into the bucket as I proceeded to fall off my chair laughing. Circle time was then over..."D.B. Jupiter, FL
A teacher friend of mine does a survey with her 8th graders on future jobs. One young man stated he wanted to be a garbage man because they only have to work on Thursdays. R. Cooksey

Real 911 calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Run!!!

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes. However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return.
A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Technical support

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.
Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.
Anyway, the following call came in:
Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work." Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?" Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system." Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?" Customer: "Yes, there is." Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?" Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know." Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day." Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"
Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord." Tech Support: "One extra cord?" Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one." At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.
Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?" Customer: "On the back of the computer?" Tech Support: "Yes, sir." Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..." I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.
Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?" Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

Their sons!!!

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Rolls Royce Loan

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

Zoo Job

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Radio conversation

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

Smart student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look."Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Medical problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Catch a rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Cup holder

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I know this lawyers

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In The World

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Duck hunting

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

In the Beginning

In the Beginning was The Vision...
and then came The Assumptionsand The Assumptions were without Formand The Vision was without Substance.
And Darkness was upon the faces of the WorkersAnd they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a Crock of Crap, and it Stinketh."
And the Workers went to their supervisors and sayeth unto them:
"It is a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went to their managers, and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."
And the managers went to the Directors and sayeth unto them:
"It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its' Strength."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents and sayeth:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very Strong."
And the Vice Presidents went to their Executives and sayeth unto them:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very Powerful."
And the Executives went to the President, and sayeth unto him:
"This powerful new Vision will actively promote the growth and efficiency of our departments and the company overall."
The President looked upon the Vision and saw that it was Good.
And the Vision became Reality.

An Erudition and Elucidation on Teamwork

An Erudition and Elucidation on Teamwork
One generally doesn't mean to confuse but only to elucidate the issues raised when leaders lose touch with the people and begin to more clearly convey meanings and connotations in a way that may not be understood. This is often core to Dilbert systems thinking model as I see it.
Oftentimes, managers and leaders get caught up exemplifying a dichotomous illusion of epistemological alternatives and thus generating a partially-relevant yet sometimes oppositional portfolio of their evangelical diatribes while promulgating these futuristic admonitions of collusion and cooperation.
These polysyllabic linguistic expressions of finite semantic propensity (in this case) are, in fact, generally veracious and are concorded only minimal loss of lucidity when grammatically and sedulously expanded (in length or depth) and then augmented inter-sententially by utilizing, in the active case, semantic pedagogical isomorphisms. This may then be pedantic and somewhat confusing, of course, unless such extrinsic expressions are translationally invariant, thereby facilitating cognitive retention and inhibiting rampant reversals to baseline.
So - A suggestion:
When elucidating matters related (either tangentially or holistically) to the obfuscation of enlightening and expanding the knowledge base in teamwork in organizations, one may, by matter of either finite element analysis or divine inspiration, pursue the inclusion of quotes eminated from the more emancipated philosophers of our collective historical time frame to add richness and value to the discussion under discussion.
(see list of quotes)
Several of the newly evolving internet discussion lists' irrefutably irreverent free-thinking individuals (not to mention those same being unique and without peer or equivalent) have developed unresolvable issues such as this that invariably provoke scholarly debate and quasi-lucid arguments among the more feisty members of our universe.
When attempting to illuminate my own personal individual representations of multidimensional perusals on non-linear systems to my fellow consulting and training brethren, I refer sequentially to these aforementioned great and glorious questioners of the real and illusory, notably A. E. Newman ("What, me worry?") and G. Marx ("Is that soup on your tie?")

I didn't say that I didn't say it.
I said that I didn't say that I said it.
I want to make that very clear.
-- George Romney

Moron Empowerment

Moron Empowerment - Might read "More On Empowerment" but who knows!
Some concepts are really simple; Empowerment is one of them. Basically, it is about giving power to make decisions to someone, typically talked about in customer service or in team situations.
It reminds me of a joke:
You've seen a flock of birds like ducks or geese or pelicans in the sky -- and you find that they always fly in a "V". Did you ever notice that one side is always longer than the other? Know why?
There are more birds on that side.

This is NOT rocket science, and empowerment is not a difficult concept in and of itself.
(Kinda nice actually in that if I DO something that shows I'm empowerd, it will have wonderful benefits on everyone including the people and the customers. Wowie! BUT empowerment is a bit more difficult than this to IMPLEMENT.
One of the reasons that empowment is thought not to work well is simple:
BOSS spelled backwards is self-explanatory.
It's not the people. It is the management! Some support for this:
A Gallup survey released when this was initially written (8/11/99) found "nearly 25% of employees feel angry at work" and "the most common cause of workplace anger -- cited by 11% of those questioned -- was "the action of supervisors or managers."
When an employee is "being empowered" and thus asked to take risks, they leave themselves wide open for negative feedback by The Boss. My mother always called this Constructive Criticism, meaning that she was allowed to share as much of this as she wished in order to make me better. It was not done with malice, it was just done.
Generally, "Constructive Criticism" is defined by psychologists as meeting the clinical definition of punishment. CC is also a prerequisite for most performance appraisal systems, BTW, which tend to be an annual event to justify not giving the person a raise but structured as a tool for performance improvement.
Public punishment generally occurs once. Then, the employees go underground with their behavior and doing things for the customer, doing it but declining to accept any responsibility for it. Or, they construct the situation to actually attribute the behavior to another (and sometimes innocent) party. If punishment continues, then the behavior will stop or the employee will leave (or in the case of anger, "potentially lead to the kinds of explosions of rage we have seen," according to Donald Gibson of Yale and a co-author of the Gallup study cited above).
One of the best perceived customer service improvement ploys goes something like this:
"Oh, that comes under the standard 9-day response period and we will not be out to your premises for at least that many business days BUT what I can do is move this up on the list so that you will only have to wait 3 days for them to be out there."
and
"Oh, sure, you can mention my name in your testimonial to the company President, his name is Billy Baker and he can be reached at..." (Note: This behavior is best done when there is a 2-day backlog of work and the likelihood of meeting a 3-day commitment is most excellent).

The best definition of empowerment I have ever heard was:
"An invitation for responsible initiative"
(by Steve Ewing, company president)

This was backed up by his corporate commitment to improve service quality, clarify the mission and vision and all that. He got some good results over a period of a couple of years of effort focused on customer service and perceptions.
More generally, we see these kinds of definitions in the literature:
Empowerment implies individualistic forbearance pyramided upon a congruent pragmatic organizational ideology. Success requires vertical integrity without innuendo and rhetoric and desired behaviors must be imbricated in and adhered to a completely luminous operational alignment. Flexible compartmentalization is expected. Individuals must exhibit an emotional intelligence and fabricate responses congruent with the ideology and recapitulate with the culture ecologically. Results will be measured.
There is often little actual corporate commitment to this kind of initiative. But, consulting firms will be most pleased to help you construct your customized model to align with your desired results. Certification is optional. And the "investment" can be significant.
Cosmetic Empowerment is more common. It is structurally exhibited by managers as: "Yes, but..."

A Potential Solution:
If you would like to empower the people in your organization, my suggestion is that you hire a very well known consulting organization ONLY after your top management team suggests (and budgets) it and arrange to pay them an exceptionally large amount of money. (The latter is most important --this CANNOT be done cheaply or the effect will be lost.)
When failure results, the lack of results will be ignored by the senior managers and soon forgotten by them because of the natural tendency toward repression of negative emotional experiences.
DO NOT try to manage and implement this yourself, since you are establishing yourself as an obvious target for constructive criticism that will be apparent in your next salary review or performance appraisal (which is designed to improve your performance).

They can't see the Forest for the Trees

According to Robert Fulghum ("All I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten", 1986), villagers in the Solomon Islands practice a unique form of logging. Woodsmen with special powers creep up on large trees at dawn and suddenly scream at the top of their lungs, continuing this process for 30 days. At the end of this time, the tree is dead and falls to the ground. According to the natives, it works every time -- the tree loses its spirit and dies.
And, based on some national statistics, at least a few managers must use a similar philosophy when it comes to service management. Service workers often seem stressed out, employee turnover is often high, and whole industries are having trouble caring for customers. And it's hard to care for customers if you don't feel your boss cares for you.
According to statistics, only 1 in 4 workers feel that managers do a good job of retaining top performers and only 50% of managers feel their companies treat them with respect (Hay Group, 1989). Kanter and Mirvis (1989) found fully 51% of people under 21 are cynical about institutions and others. And while 92% of the CEOs feel that customer service quality is very important for their company's success, only 54% of vice presidents feel that employee satisfaction is important. And so forth.
And many wonder why service quality in America isn't any better than it is and why many companies don't do a better job of building loyalty of customers and employees.
The morale of this story?
As service managers, leaders and people developers, we need to be constantly aware of the importance of positive management practices for building employee loyalty and self-esteem. These are critical for gaining customer loyalty and growing bottom-line profits.
The goal of every business should be the attraction and retention of customers and employees.
How does your organization handle your trees?

Some interesting Stories

Some Interesting Stories of Life, from various internet sources:

WRONG NUMBER
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Received from Steve Sanderson. from The Good, Clean Funnies List

Here's one that actually happened to a friend of mine.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Parden me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Received from Doug Waterfield - Monroe, LA. from The Good Clean Funnies List
SUSPECT
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said." Nancy M. Carson
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SELF INCRIMINATION?
Oklahoma City -- Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. Mike Avery
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EVIDENCE THAT SMELLS
The Dutch have come up with a new way of catching criminals, that's even better than fingerprints, it's called smell prints. Apparently, each of us not only has one unmistakable fingerprint and DNA, but we also have a unique scent that is identifiable. In solving a crime, the police can retrieve an article used by the perpetrator (such as a gun), and extract a smell print from the object in as little as 20 minutes. The smell can then be stored for as long as 4 years. Once a suspect is apprehended, he is asked to wash, and then handle a cloth for a few minutes. The cloth is then placed in a line up and a specially trained dog is given the original smell print to examine. The dog is then asked to identify all the smells in the line up. If the dog finds a match, he barks at the container identifying which one. To make the evidence admissible in court, the process is repeated but this time without the suspects smell. This new crime fighting tool has solved hundreds of cases in Holland, and they are now starting to archive known criminals' smells to compare against outstanding crimes. W.I.S.E.CRAKS
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KISSING FREEDOM GOOD-BYE
Newport News, Virginia -- Criminals are routinely nabbed because they leave fingerprints or stray DNA behind at the scene. A peeping Tom suspect in Virginia left lip prints. Police arrested Robert N. Smith, 41, on Tuesday for allegedly peeping into apartments after the state forensic crime laboratory was able to match his lip print with one taken off a window at one of the apartments. "We get fingerprints all the time, but that's not the case, obviously, with lip prints," Paul Ferrara, director of the state Division of Forensic Science, said Friday. The print was discovered on an apartment window Aug. 18, and a detective lifted the print Sept. 11. Smith was arrested and charged with indecent exposure at the same apartment complex about two weeks later. Police got a search warrant for Smith's lips and found they had their man. The indecent exposure charge was dropped at Smith's trial Tuesday when the chief witness failed to appear, but he was arrested on five misdemeanor peeping charges as he was leaving court. He remains free on bond awaiting trial. He faces up to a year in jail. WhiteBoard News for Monday, December 15, 1997 Joseph Harper Received from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List -=+=- The Good, Clean Funnies List


Disturbing Medical Stories
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, Georgia**
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

INNER SKELETON
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr. old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball.